My new Eiffel Tower picture from Chuck looks amazing in my bedroom. Thank you @sandman324 for contributing to my Love of Paris.
I have belabored this post to the point of paralysis. How can I discuss something without actually discussing anything specific? Maintaining privacy while honestly discussing things in my life is important to me but it’s not always easy. And I haven’t always succeeded.
To use a cliche: let’s just say that I have a friend. And this friend compartmentalized a lot of emotions about a certain situation while she was pregnant. In order to keep her sanity and focus on what was right in front her, she packaged things in boxes that got stored away to be dealt with a later time. This kept her moving forward in a more or less productive way but eventually, of course, the boxes got opened.
Obviously I’m talking about myself but sometimes it’s easier to pretend I’m not. Just like it’s sometimes easier to pretend things in my life aren’t really there. It seems better to push it aside and focus on tangible, immediate items: work, mothering, laundry, doing the dishes. I have become really good at being in the moment without actually being in it. (Does that makes sense?)
I’ve been reading a book by Tara Brach and though I’m not finished, one of the things I’ve been trying to do over the past month or so is live in the painful or uncomfortable moments. It feels unnatural for me to do this. My first inclination is to sidestep or deflect. But allowing the awkward and uncomfortable things to live means that I can work through them and move on with my life and truly focus on what makes me happy.
I was talking to my sister this weekend and I told her that the best thing I’ve done for myself recently is to allow myself to acknowledge things I don’t necessarily like and then let them go. And I mean really let them go. I used to swear I’d let things go and then I’d revel in my superiority and in being the bigger person. Truly letting go for me now means that I have to step back and just let the situation sit without my personal feelings (resentment, anger, confusion, bitterness, you pick one) interfering at all. It is what it is and I can accept it and let it unfold…or I can fight it, mull over it, dissect it to bits, get angry over it and have a festering, open wound that I pretend doesn’t exist because denial feels so much better in the short term.
I am starting to realize that other people’s decisions don’t have to affect me at all. But I have to feel something to get to the place where I feel nothing. Frankly, I don’t know if that’s a step forward or not. At least it’s movement.
Well written words to live by, and learn from.
Although I’m a strong woman and I can handle the toughest moments of my life, I cannot overcome the fear of being betrayed. I can ignore any pain because a woman is created to bear all kinds of pain but somehow I cannot bear the pain of being physically or emotionally cheated by the only man I love. But some day if you cheat me and break my trust for another woman then also I will forgive you and consider myself lucky for the simple reason that you never loved me with your heart and soul. I will be content with the fact that you never deserved my love and if you ever loved me soulfully you would never give up on me for someone else. I will be strong and I will move on with the hope that soon I will find new love and my true love… Aarti Khurana
I’ve been thinking, that when this kind of life altering event happens to a person, it doesn’t ever totally go away. Maybe for some it does, but so far….it is still in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, it is getting farther and farther back on the shelf, but I don’t think it will ever go away. Thoughts of failure remain. I am getting better at shaking that failure thought, but knowing my personality it will always be there.
I am thankful to have found love again…..someone who accepts my faults, someone who encourages me when I’m down, someone who is wishing he had met me long ago so that he could have had a full life with me. All those wonderful thoughts and words go far with me working through my healing.
So I take another step….another step towards being me yet again.
My pillow pet. @jeralyndwile
Perfect. #oprahmagazine , #snapplepeachtea , and my homemade vegetarian chicken noodle soup.